Friday, February 3, 2012

What a lot of worrying.....

When I was younger, I was very good and not worrying or stressing about stuff.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more and more of a worrier. My Mum always used to talk about how she would wake up at 4am worrying about something and not be able to go back to sleep. I’m not quite at that stage yet but I have been known to wake myself up around 5am with a worrying thought and be unable to get back into Deep Sleep afterwards…

When I look back, I did used to worry about stuff but I was just good at letting it go, especially to go to sleep. These days, worrying and being stressed and anxious seems to affect my sleep a lot (that, and sleeping with The Englishman, who is a light sleeper who can’t handle noises and cannot turn over quietly and easily in bed!). It’s one thing I really dislike – losing sleep, or at least not getting good quality sleep, in the name of things I cannot do anything about.

Normally its just work stress but at the moment I have a bunch of other things rolling around in my head. I’ve been holding on to them since at least Sunday, which is unusual. Normally by now the Englishman would have asked me what was wrong and managed to get me to have a really good cry about it and feel a bit better and less stressed.

The Englishman has asked me a few times, but he’s currently dealing with his own stressors (serious work stress, plus his parents visiting us) so I haven’t wanted to dump on him…. And I knew he wasn’t really up for dealing with me having a cry and needing support because he hadn’t insisted on me telling him what the problem was. He usually insists to the point where he gets angry and this week, he hasn’t. He’s had too much going on himself and he’s really needed me to take care of things at home and also be able to listen to his problems. Neither of which I’ve really managed to do.

What I have managed to do is keep the house to a minimum level of tidy/clean, cook some dinner tonight, NOT yell or get angry when he threw a tantrum at the shops and walked out, and when he said he really needed to sleep after listening to me finally tell him some of what’s been worrying me and start to cry, let him sleep and come out here to the lounge and type this blog entry instead. Because otherwise I would have kept him awake while I tried to stop bawling my eyes out ! Coming out here and typing this has helped a little already and I know eventually I’ll get my cry and my proper hug and I’ll feel better. Just not today.

Anyway, this entry is a little bleak so apologies to whoever reads it! There is nothing seriously bad going on, just a few extra things to worry about. And with In-Laws staying, non-stop weekend plans, work stress and yucky weather, its just gotten on top of us at the moment.

I know we’ll get through and things will get a little better (especially once we sort out a new fridge – GAH!) but right now I just wish I was still good at putting my worries aside at bedtime.

Fingers crossed I’ll drift off a little easier now……… -_-  zzzzzzzz

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